life · personal

That one thing no one really wants to talk about

I have, in the last week as you may well know, been part of something that surprised me most than anyone. Being part of “Academia de Código Bootcamp” has opened me many opportunities but is also making me do some conflicting things as well.

I have suffered from anxiety for at least eighteen years. I was first diagnosed when I was just a child but back then, a kid my age having a mental health problem was a taboo no one wanted to talk about. Even after almost two decades, no one likes to talk about that. People that have mental problems are “nuts” or need major psychiatrist help. So, for a decade and half, it was “ignored” that I had it. It was assumed I was just nervous as hell or I was just constantly stressed.

Until two years ago, when I had a major panic attack that send me to the hospital, thinking that I had a heart problem. From then forward, my life has improved and it also hasn’t.

Being aware that I have anxiety made me realized I had to do something about it. I have yet to see a psychologist (the last time I went to one, she just said I had “monkeys in my head and was just assuming and imagining things and should get over it” so I can’t really fully trust another just yet) but I have tried to get better by myself, seeing what are my “triggers” and how I should work around them.

I can’t deal when people put me in “hostile” environment. There are many, many others, but this one is something that I am dealing with currently. I have been called more times in this past week than I have been over my five years at college. It is a good and bad thing – bad because whenever I am called to do some exercises or just explain something I block, I can’t think anymore, I can’t reason, in those few minutes, I don’t exist anymore; good, because whenever I am called, I deal with it better, I block less, I can think better every time, I can start dealing with my anxiety a step better. For that, I have to thank my Master Coders, that constantly call me up. I thank them and hate them – because they are putting me on the line. It’s fine when I am the one who puts herself under the light -there have been several instances where I am the one who wants to go up, who wants to explain, who wants to be under the spotlight – and when that happens, my anxiety doesn’t flare up, because I was the one who wanted to do it. I wasn’t surprised to be suddenly on a hostile environment.

None of them knows about this. Not one single Master Coder or Code Cadet knows this and I plan to keep it that way.

Of course, in no way I mean that this is the perfect solution for everyone. In no way, I am an expert on this matter. But I know, for a fact, that these “little” pushes are helping me. Having eighteen guys and one girl being nothing but good to me has helped me. Having three Code Masters that are anything but sweet (except when they get really mad!) is helping a lot. None of these twenty-one people know anything. But the fact that they treat me like any other person, the fact that they are another best group that I have met (apart from my boyfriend, best friend and Erasmus family) has helped me. My anxiety will probably never be cured, but I feel like a “normal” person again. I feel like there is nothing I can’t do and I feel like I am going on the right track – and that is the best reward I could have.

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