I tried to come back home every four weeks. I didn’t want it at first, I really didn’t, I thought it would be too expensive (and it was at first) but I couldn’t keep my promise to myself. I thought I was failing the people I had left behind. Honestly, I was so wrong. I didn’t fail anyone – but when I was in Madrid I realised who was failing and who wasn’t.
My boyfriend tried his hardest to keep contact with me. I have the opinion that keeping in touch with your loved one isn’t supposed to feel like a sacrifice, but I know to him it was a little – after all, he could be doing so many other things instead of talking to me. If I could go back in time, I would have let him by himself more and would investigate more about the new town I was in. But I suffer from anxiety, so every step that I took, especially when I took it alone, was painful.
Until I met some wonderful people.
Effi and Syndy were the first two people who I could call friends in Madrid. Effi was so, so sweet and I just wanted to hug her everytime because she was so adorable! Syndy was the pinacle of beauty and fashion – a really femme fatale and I wanted so much to have her confidence!
I would meet more people later, but let me talk about these times a little more.
I loved Syndy and Effi. I really did and still do. I appreciated their company so, so much and I wish I could have spent more time with them. I should have have more courage to meet up, to arrange plans, but back then, I thought my company was a nuisance and that I was boring to be around.
I was so wrong and I wish I could have seen it back then. I wish I could make up for all of my presence to these fantastics being.
It was also when I started to realise how much I was cared for by people back home – or how much I wasn’t.
Back in 2011, I met a lot of fantastic people in college and I should have tried to kept more contact (even if it was hard sometimes) but one of them I still talk to – she is my spiritual sister and I love her so, so much. She was one of the people that genuinely cared about me and asked how I was doing and what I was doing in my Erasmus. She cared and that was important.
My other two friends didn’t and when I realised that, it hurt just a little until I realised that I didn’t care anymore.
It was back then when I realised that I was starting to change. Before, I would try to talk, to make things meet. Now? I couldn’t deal with people that didn’t care about me as much as I cared about them. I tried – I sent messages every two days, I tried Skype, I did so much – and they did so little. If anyone calls themselves your friend but won’t care about how are you doing in an alien environment (because it was an alien environment to me!), then they aren’t your friends. I have left many people behind – good people – because I was stupid and only kept who didn’t care. These two were like that apparently. I had my sures when I talked to them and they said they didn’t nothing wrong.
But I am digressing.
The things is, two months in Madrid were starting to change me. Meeting Syndy and Effi sparked that change and I am so very thankful for that! I wish I was better at friendship stuff because they deserved so much more. When I realised what kind of people I was meeting and what kind of people I had on the other side of the frontier, those lines that had started to blur became pretty clear to me – I deserved better. I deserved people that actually cared about me. Syndy and Effi and Paty back home, had showed that, when people care about you and want your presence, they will show. They will show and you should know that you do deserve that love.